The Xbox Saviour

Frequent Flyer or Gun for Hire?

Here at Shotgun Junkies HQ we like to look out for our dear followers and friends, and this is why we like to offer you sound advice in the face of a crisis (see surviving a zombie apocalypse post) - we also like to keep you up-to-date on our holidaying plans (this year = none). So whilst brainstorming in the Shotgun Junkies HQ we combined the two. 

Today we're going to look at the possibility of a major crisis and your holiday. Strap in because this one is going to get turbulent.

PART 1

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So you big soft fuck! You booked a trip to Malaga with that chick you nailed next to a Biffa bin during your legendary "Pull a Pig Night", who'd have thought you'd still be in that sink hole eh!

You've your tickets in hand and you packed enough rubbers in your case to make a wetsuit for Free Willy. In your luggage case you also placed some Joop aftershave (because you just can't let go of the early 2000's) and a pair of not overly garish swimming shorts, after all, you don't want to attract too much attention by the pool, hell you've even had your mum shave your back for this, and were they sit-ups you were doing? You slick son of a bitch. You also packed the typical sundries that all men take on holiday didn't you?

• A book - You've no intention to read it. You'll just pretend you're reading whilst really you're checking out the camel-toe on the Hispanic milf that has enough muff hair hanging out of her swim suit to stuff a Premier Inn mattress.
• A Guide Book for Historical Attractions - You purchased this to impress your girl, but really whilst flicking through it you were distracted by the statue of the naked chick on page 24, at least you had a cultural wank eh?
• Flip Flops - You're not even sure if this constitutes to being gay or not, you'll play it by ear when you land, but you've also packed your work boots (steal top-caped) just in case, after all, you don't to slide into a pair of flip flops and then suddenly find yourself invited to a pool party hosted by a former English game show presenter.
• A Union Jack Towel - Because after all, what country doesn't want to know you've arrived right?
• Sun Cream - With  undoubtedly a lower SPF than exposure to a napalm attack. That English red sunburn looks awesome on that Union Jack towel my friend.
• Condoms - As mentioned, sunburnt or not, your girl is going to take the kind of pounding that the bells of Big Ben take, hell, you're on holiday, you might even persuade her to make a porno in your room if you palm her enough WKD's.
• Enough small change left over from the airport back in the UK to stupidly spill all over the hotel room floor within minutes of arriving. You'll be finding these throughout your stay, along with toenail clipping that look like they've been sheared from King Kong.

You've boarded your flight. That Air-stewardess looks hot enough to take to the toilets and smash her back doors in, I mean, she smiled at you, she definitely wants a piece. Right?

Your seats are at the rear of the plane, or "The Springboard End" if you prefer, the place where even mild turbulence becomes a re-enactment of The Great San Francisco Earthquake. But hey ho, you're close enough to the toilets should you have a little accident during any extreme turbulence, plus the flight is short enough not to faze you too much with the smell of shit after shit that is taken by the rest of the passengers that seem completely nonchalant about virtually sticking their arse in your face as they queue for shitter - and of course, that stewardess might want some serious toilet action when she next passes.

You're soon airborne! Hooray!

Your girlfriend has pretty much been crying non-stop due to her fear of flying, you've tried to reassure her as best a man can, with the usual comments of subtle comfort, through to describing the odds of anything life threatening happening, and concluding with you making comments about how awful an air crash would be and how as you're at the rear of the plane you'd be the ones that die last. 

And then on cue an event happens.  A commotion is taking place further up the cabin. Suddenly the commotion carries screams, fearful screams. Everyone on the plane is now looking forward to where the commotion is. And then you see it. Three men, armed with weapons standing in the aisle. They are screaming that they will blow up the plane or kill passengers if they are not taken to an airport of their choice.

Your mind frantically assesses this situation. And two question repeatedly mentally yell at you. 

"Should I be a hero?" 

 &

"If the government scramble Typhoons to intercept us, how long will I be able to admire the aerodynamics of it before I'm looking at the business end of an air-to-air missile"

PART 2

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You need to think fast here gringo. Shit just got real. (Copywrite - Bad Boys).

Everyone on the plane is in  a state of isolated confusion. They sit with their loved ones and hope to see the end of this.

Perhaps you should also take that line of thinking. 

What weapons you see on the hijackers consists of knives. No guns. No sign of a bomb. Political terrorists no doubt. Are you going to go for broke here my friend? 

Well that is why Shotgun Junkies are here. We like to advise you of your best options. And below are your three bests options. 

 Lets face it, you're going to be a hero because, well, the chances are that the stewardess you've taken a fancy to might be partial to taking on you and your girlfriend. Imagine that, you're ploughing the stewardess like a Nebraskan corn field and jamming her face at the same time into your girlfriends pu......*focus my friend, that meat spear can't help you here*.

Well, we're going to assume that you are up from your seat and now ready to become Chuck Norris' harder English brother, plus you've got Xbox training on your side. Lets fuck some hijackers up. High Five the screen.....NOW!

Here is your check list:

1. Condoms - You kept a stash in your carry-on because......well because you're fucking weird like that, you may even have tried one on in an airport toilet, pissed in it to see what it felt like and then spent ten minutes drying off your shorts thereafter. We won't judge you. But, those rubbers, they've just become your best friend. And here's why. Suffocation, using your Splinter Cell / Hitman / Manhunt  skills you can quickly and quietly dispatch a terrorist, ensure you hide that body, get other passenger to help load the body into an overhead locker or simply leave it in the aisle should you wish to be of the less tactful type. Desecrating the body is not an ideal option here. Remember there are other passengers with young children on this flight, its one thing taking down a hijacker, it's another thing entirely to remove its face in order to go in disguise or just for amusement.  
2. Pens - Yes the pen is mightier than the sword....that is, if you don't have a sword. In which case, you're going to use the pen as a knife. So that term is utter bullshit. It's like saying "The Pencil Sharpener is mightier than a fleet of B52 Bombers", it isn't, but if you have a good pen, and most elderly passenger will have claimed a reasonably sturdy Parker pen from one of those life insurance adverts and carry it with them with great pride, then, you have yourself a crude stabbing instrument. Here is another opportunity to sneak up on a hijacker if you haven't already (did you skip the condom kill?). A swift hand across the hijackers  mouth (you need to be behind them, idiot) to silence them and a quick tracheotomy should suffice. Note that desecrating the body isn't ideal. Remember, you've just killed a hijacker with a pen, and if you've followed the "condom kill" step then there may well be some passengers that are now more unnerved by you, especially if you start drawing comical glasses and a beard on the dead hijacker. 
3. This third terrorist take down is you most important one, for here is your key to becoming a legend. You've taken out his comrades, he knows this because now, you are walking down the aisle towards him and not listening to his calls for you to sit down. In desperation he grabs the stewardess you want to pork. It slows you down perhaps one step but you're still heading towards this man. Now listen carefully, because there could be some collateral damage here if it goes wrong. 

• Quicken your pace
• Remove your shirt and start scratching and slapping at your chest
• Start shadow boxing down the aisle
• Start using your football hooligan voice "C'mon ya fackin' slag" etc
• Punch someone in the face. It doesn't matter who, this is about showing who's boss
• Snatch a beer from the trolley, bite into the middle of it and let it spray you
• Quicken your pace to a sprint

You are now in proximity to the last remaining terrorist. He is rattled. Jesus Christ, wouldn't you be? I mean, not only has this idiot tried to hijack a plane, but he has also done it on your flight and now your shirt is off and you're cover in beer and anger. And you are literally a few yards from his person. 

We at Shotgun Junkies recommend one or a combination of the following:

• With your momentum carrying you towards him jump into the Superman position, thus offering what is known in head butting circles as "An Atomic Head Butt". With a good aim you're going to reduce the hijacker to a bloodied faced twitching mass of comically blubber - however a mistiming could result in you landing far short of your target and looking round just in time to see him praise a God as he plunges a knife into your face
• Using your momentum you recreate a Bruce Lee flying kick. You catch said hijacker in the face/torso/nads thus rendering him unbalanced or unconscious. Timing again is key. As is agility. If your agility is of that of Stephen Hawking at a game of Twister, well this could end badly. And if you are carrying excess body weight, well you could twist an ankle, thus landing in a heap before the hijacker and wondering if at least you looked cool before he cuts you
• With your momentum you rugby tackle the hijacker. Thus taking him off his feet and winding him and giving you the upper ground. Hopefully other passengers will now assist with detaining the hijacker. Be mindful though, because a mistimed rugby tackle could see you using your own own head as a battering ram against an unmovable object, such as a bolted down seat, the last thing your see after the stars slowly disappear is....well you know the rests.
• Using your rush of adrenaline gorilla press a passenger and launch them at the hijacker. They're making a supreme sacrifice but this is all about survival. Note, choose a passenger that is not requiring a double seat. The last thing you want here is a slipped disk after you foolishly tried to lift someone with the physique of Vanessa Feltz

So you've taken him down. The plane erupts with a mighty cheer. You've saved the day. But be modest. Play it cool. DON'T go for a the high fiving everyone as  you run down the aisle with the sound track to the Karate Kid in your head and running up to the stewardess and snogging her. This could be classed as sexual assault. DO NOT make a quip about the hijacker/s needing to be "off your plane" (in the manner of Harrison Ford in "Air-force One") and then opening the cabin door- at 37'000ft you are going to distribute the contents of the plane over an area the size of Bolivia. DO NOT announce that "I'm just going to check that everything is okay with the captain" and then boot the door of the cockpit off of its hinges, this is classed as terrorism. Just smile coyly but manly and walk with a swagger back to your seat. Enjoy a beer. Enjoy the smiles you get from the cabin crew. And think, at least you can make an earner on your heroics by selling your story to The Sun newspaper.

Enjoy your holiday my friend.