How to chase a tornado and save your marriage

So here we are again, offering the kind of services you’ve probably come to expect of us helpful folk here at Team Shotgun.

When we’re not writing tunes that make you want to punch your passive-aggressive mother-in-law, who refuses to accept that you’re the one nailing her daughter (or possibly not, but I’ll get to that later on) or declaring war on the Chinese Army, because you’ve become consistent at scoring good kill/death ratios on Call of Duty, armed with nothing but a jock strap and a try square because let’s face it, we’ve all pretended that they’re pistols at some point in our childhood.

But I must digress, time is money and knowledge is power, so let’s get down to the nitty gritty.

Here at Team Shotgun, we are often asked by our dedicated fans for advice on natural disasters. By natural disasters, I do not mean Justin Bieber, nothing natural can be that fucking devastating, but that feared lady herself, Mother Nature.

Now there are many types of disasters, but for the purpose of this guide, were going to give you the lowdown on how to chase a tornado. Why? Because the tornado has a mysterious, still largely understood, beautifully destructive prowess, that is very similar to us here at Team Shotgun, whilst providing you with the primal kind of adrenaline matched only by being towed down a runway at take-off speed by a F15 Eagle.

If you’re like me, then you’ll think the only thing required to chase a tornado are a pair of Levi’s and a strong Texan accent, but I discovered, there is a rich tapestry of methods to guide you through.

Here in the UK, we tend to voice our disdain on our climate very often, but in reality, for the most part- all we have to put up with typically is some brisk drizzle and light fog, that necessitates the use of fog lights and full beams from the 82 year old man who drives a J reg Rover 200 on the outside lane of the M25 at 45 mp/h on a Monday morning at 8am, so why, you ask, are we giving you advice on how to chase a tornado?

Two things – firstly, climate change. (We are environmentally aware here at Shotgun HQ)

Secondly, and more likely, you are taking the wife on holiday, to repair the cracks that have been forming since you bulls eyed that secretary in the toilet of the ExCel centre during that business conference. (Really, could you have fucked up your marriage in a less cliché way?)

You have both gone through the motions of picking a suitable holiday destination – flicking through brochures, visiting the high street and searching online. You’ve ruled out all the typical destinations such as Ibiza, Majorca Florida and Tenerife, on the basis that a holiday with a much different atmosphere is needed to revive this train crash of a relationship. At a loss, you decide to clear your mind by clearing out the garage (mainly to gather possessions to sell at a boot fair, to fund your sudden interest in golf) when you stumble across an old, dusty box of VHS tapes.

You sift through them, chuckling at old memories when you come to a copy of the 1996 blockbuster movie Twister, an award winning film about a separated couple, going through the process of divorce,  but end up on the road together chasing a fast developing storm system, whilst rebuilding their relationship along the way. In due course you find the VCR player, and set about spending the rest of the day trying to connect it to your HD TV, before inevitably realising that it does not have a Scart after getting the HDMI cable stuck in the power socket. You give up and stream it off the web. Then it hits you, like that time the wife socked you one for spending the mortgage money on an air guitar, ‘Maybe we can rebuild our relationship in the same way by chasing some storms together and finding ourselves again’

So here we are. You have booked your tickets to a Midwest airport US airport of your choice, so now let’s run through what you are going to need for your adrenaline packed, make or break holiday.

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•       A Vehicle. Unless you have your own Boeing 767 Cargo aircraft, well, it’s probably easier to get one the other side of the pond. Vehicle choice is crucial – A Toyota Prius is just not going to cut the mustard. Masculinity is key here (The wife already rolls her eyes every time you have to go anywhere in your Peugeot 206 convertible) so a Kia is not going to suffice here. Ruggedness is also an important factor, as most of the ploughed roads in Midwest America would be deemed as ‘dodgy’ even in Southern Siberia, so a large SUV, or preferably a large pickup with an oversized V8 petrol engine that consumes fuel at a similar level to the Millennium Falcon, is order of the day.

•           Some basic weather equipment. When you’ve got a 150 mp/h + funnel of debris and wind approaching you, that “cracking” MetOffice app on your iPhone, that updates once per day, is not going to be sufficient.
•           Maps. If you can’t navigate your way to your local Morrison’s without taking a detour through the Outer Hebrides, then Satellite Navigation is definitely the method of choice, but for the more confident driver, a map is perfectly suitable.

•           Clothing. Flip flops and Speedo’s are not going to be suitable – You’re going to be encountering torrential rain, hail and of course, strong winds, annoying accents, incest and some rather portly characters, so the appropriate attire is essential. That Regatta coat you found whilst clearing out the garage will be perfect for the rugged conditions you may encounter – but make sure the box of porn DVD’s it was covering up is recovered with something else (or all the following hard work could be jeopardized). That hoody you bought from Primark with ‘New York Athletic College’ on the front, in a feeble attempt at looking more hip and youthful in front of your 13 year old daughters friends, will make you look as cool as a white suit and flares in a Manchester night club.

•           Patience. Remember, you’re in the land of the free, so naturally, every American is going to think you are from Australia, so to save the valuable time of having to show every yank where England is on the table top globe that the wife packed instead of the Satnav, study up on Australia and make up the name of somewhere you’re from.
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•           The wife. Possibly the most crucial thing to take here. Remember why you’re doing this amigo, if she gets the slightest inkling that this is purely your pursuit, then you’re fucked. It’ll be like Home Alone, except when you get home on the U-Haul rental van, she’ll be waiting at the door, dressed as Rambo armed with a M60 light machine gun, so DO remember to take her.

Got all those? Great, so let the holiday begin.

Now remember folks, we’re here to help, so take all this advice on board and all shall be well.

Your main goal is to repair the shattered remains of what was once a half decent partnership and turn it into something slightly more functional than that paper mache barbeque you made, so firstly you need to show her she is the top priority, and not going down to the local bar and consuming enough Budweiser to make you implode like a Neutron star. Get a decent hotel booked for your first day, before all the action begins. Preferably, you want a hotel $with a decent view – a window overlooking the local Seven-Eleven and Taco Bell is car park where gang shootings are at an all time high is just going to cause massive disdain on her part. Take her out for the day, take in the culture and set the mood according at the hotel. Run a nice hot bath or set up the ironing board for her, use your head here, we don’t know your wife* (*Not  100% guaranteed*)

 We want to start our mission on a level playing field and on a decent note. Get her a nice bunch of flowers in England and take them with you to the states, because picking up something as docile as flowers is going to be fairly difficult in America, a country where semi-skimmed milk and Remington 870 pump-action shotgun can be found side by side in the local Wal Mart. Walking into the hotel room with a rose in the mouth and a shotgun in hand could give the wrong impression, as much as we do love a good shotgun.

It’s now early evening; you’ve been out for a bite to eat and managed to get through the flight without jamming a screwdriver in her face. The lights fading, the bath is running, or the iron is warming up depending on what you’ve arranged, and the TV is on a low volume, whilst the rumble of distant thunder echoes across the plains. Then, the news channel bursts onto the screen with a weather warning. A tornado warning and its forecast for the county you happen to be in. What do you do? The trip so far is proving to be fruitful as far as reconnecting with one another is concerned, so do you take heed of the warning and make your way to shelter? No. A woman likes a man of action (except for that time you got hammered at your mates house party and attempted to motorboat his sisters tits in front of her) so this is the point where you don the aviators you nicked out of Topman, grab the Regatta coat and tell the wife to ‘get in the truck, we’re going after it’.

Now, this is the second part of the holiday, the other reason while you’re here, so you have to do it right and get the right amount of excitement flowing. The tornado is not a force to take lightly, so for at least 70% of the time, try and keep your eyes on it, and not the wifes chest, that suddenly seems so much more attractive than what it was in England (not related to the fact every woman you’ve seen so far is the size of one of Jupiter’s moons and bears a striking resemblance to Burt Reynolds, or a wild Boar).

Let’s run through a few important notes on chasing the storm itself:

Make sure the truck has a full tank of fuel, because it’s not going to be as good on fuel as your fathers Cavalier, which he claims does 70mpg, because running out of fuel with a tornado approaching you is not only embarrassing, but as dangerous as a game of table tennis with Abu Hamza. Remember that US spec cars have a different pedal system to UK and European cars – The pedal on the right is not the accelerator, but is an emergency dump valve for the fuel tank, press it all the way down and the tank will be empty in about 5 seconds. Then again, it could still be the accelerator.

• American 4x4’s have the off road abilities of the trolley with the one wonky wheel you always get fobbed off with at Lidl, so try and stick to highways whenever possible, and if you do have to venture off-road, try and use the least muddy road possible, because cars do not fly particularly well, so if you do get picked up by the funnel, the airbags are not going to do you much good here.

• Keep close to a McDonalds whenever possible - Name me a film where a McDonalds is destroyed or damaged? Keep one within a reasonable distance and your saved amigo.

• Have a Shotgun Junkies CD in the car at all times. When the adrenaline becomes too much and fear starts to kick in, this could give you the aggressive boost that keeps you away from the rock and the hard place. Here at Shotgun HQ, we recommend any of our songs to keep you alert.

• Keep parallel to the twister at all times. If it starts looking larger, or looks like it’s not moving at all, it’s coming right at you, and trying to outrun one of these bad boys is as easy as doing the Pamplona bull run with Stiletto heels.

• Do not take refuge under an overpass. This age old myth that the trusty overpass will protect you, should you get caught between the rock and the hard place, is just that – a myth. Holding a baguette over your head would probably be better protection, so avoid these like the local Chinese restaurant that was shut down for serving Chihuahua.

If you stick to these ground rules, and everything goes well, your mission will be accomplished. The wife shall be satisfied, the ExCel centre incident will more than likely be forgotten about amongst all the excitement, and a new lease for life will co-exist between you when you get home, and the constant fix of adrenaline you’ll both be after will keep life in your marriage.

Of course, she may not enjoy it whatsoever and she’ll divorce you.

The Xbox Saviour

Frequent Flyer or Gun for Hire?

Here at Shotgun Junkies HQ we like to look out for our dear followers and friends, and this is why we like to offer you sound advice in the face of a crisis (see surviving a zombie apocalypse post) - we also like to keep you up-to-date on our holidaying plans (this year = none). So whilst brainstorming in the Shotgun Junkies HQ we combined the two. 

Today we're going to look at the possibility of a major crisis and your holiday. Strap in because this one is going to get turbulent.

PART 1

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So you big soft fuck! You booked a trip to Malaga with that chick you nailed next to a Biffa bin during your legendary "Pull a Pig Night", who'd have thought you'd still be in that sink hole eh!

You've your tickets in hand and you packed enough rubbers in your case to make a wetsuit for Free Willy. In your luggage case you also placed some Joop aftershave (because you just can't let go of the early 2000's) and a pair of not overly garish swimming shorts, after all, you don't want to attract too much attention by the pool, hell you've even had your mum shave your back for this, and were they sit-ups you were doing? You slick son of a bitch. You also packed the typical sundries that all men take on holiday didn't you?

• A book - You've no intention to read it. You'll just pretend you're reading whilst really you're checking out the camel-toe on the Hispanic milf that has enough muff hair hanging out of her swim suit to stuff a Premier Inn mattress.
• A Guide Book for Historical Attractions - You purchased this to impress your girl, but really whilst flicking through it you were distracted by the statue of the naked chick on page 24, at least you had a cultural wank eh?
• Flip Flops - You're not even sure if this constitutes to being gay or not, you'll play it by ear when you land, but you've also packed your work boots (steal top-caped) just in case, after all, you don't to slide into a pair of flip flops and then suddenly find yourself invited to a pool party hosted by a former English game show presenter.
• A Union Jack Towel - Because after all, what country doesn't want to know you've arrived right?
• Sun Cream - With  undoubtedly a lower SPF than exposure to a napalm attack. That English red sunburn looks awesome on that Union Jack towel my friend.
• Condoms - As mentioned, sunburnt or not, your girl is going to take the kind of pounding that the bells of Big Ben take, hell, you're on holiday, you might even persuade her to make a porno in your room if you palm her enough WKD's.
• Enough small change left over from the airport back in the UK to stupidly spill all over the hotel room floor within minutes of arriving. You'll be finding these throughout your stay, along with toenail clipping that look like they've been sheared from King Kong.

You've boarded your flight. That Air-stewardess looks hot enough to take to the toilets and smash her back doors in, I mean, she smiled at you, she definitely wants a piece. Right?

Your seats are at the rear of the plane, or "The Springboard End" if you prefer, the place where even mild turbulence becomes a re-enactment of The Great San Francisco Earthquake. But hey ho, you're close enough to the toilets should you have a little accident during any extreme turbulence, plus the flight is short enough not to faze you too much with the smell of shit after shit that is taken by the rest of the passengers that seem completely nonchalant about virtually sticking their arse in your face as they queue for shitter - and of course, that stewardess might want some serious toilet action when she next passes.

You're soon airborne! Hooray!

Your girlfriend has pretty much been crying non-stop due to her fear of flying, you've tried to reassure her as best a man can, with the usual comments of subtle comfort, through to describing the odds of anything life threatening happening, and concluding with you making comments about how awful an air crash would be and how as you're at the rear of the plane you'd be the ones that die last. 

And then on cue an event happens.  A commotion is taking place further up the cabin. Suddenly the commotion carries screams, fearful screams. Everyone on the plane is now looking forward to where the commotion is. And then you see it. Three men, armed with weapons standing in the aisle. They are screaming that they will blow up the plane or kill passengers if they are not taken to an airport of their choice.

Your mind frantically assesses this situation. And two question repeatedly mentally yell at you. 

"Should I be a hero?" 

 &

"If the government scramble Typhoons to intercept us, how long will I be able to admire the aerodynamics of it before I'm looking at the business end of an air-to-air missile"

PART 2

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You need to think fast here gringo. Shit just got real. (Copywrite - Bad Boys).

Everyone on the plane is in  a state of isolated confusion. They sit with their loved ones and hope to see the end of this.

Perhaps you should also take that line of thinking. 

What weapons you see on the hijackers consists of knives. No guns. No sign of a bomb. Political terrorists no doubt. Are you going to go for broke here my friend? 

Well that is why Shotgun Junkies are here. We like to advise you of your best options. And below are your three bests options. 

 Lets face it, you're going to be a hero because, well, the chances are that the stewardess you've taken a fancy to might be partial to taking on you and your girlfriend. Imagine that, you're ploughing the stewardess like a Nebraskan corn field and jamming her face at the same time into your girlfriends pu......*focus my friend, that meat spear can't help you here*.

Well, we're going to assume that you are up from your seat and now ready to become Chuck Norris' harder English brother, plus you've got Xbox training on your side. Lets fuck some hijackers up. High Five the screen.....NOW!

Here is your check list:

1. Condoms - You kept a stash in your carry-on because......well because you're fucking weird like that, you may even have tried one on in an airport toilet, pissed in it to see what it felt like and then spent ten minutes drying off your shorts thereafter. We won't judge you. But, those rubbers, they've just become your best friend. And here's why. Suffocation, using your Splinter Cell / Hitman / Manhunt  skills you can quickly and quietly dispatch a terrorist, ensure you hide that body, get other passenger to help load the body into an overhead locker or simply leave it in the aisle should you wish to be of the less tactful type. Desecrating the body is not an ideal option here. Remember there are other passengers with young children on this flight, its one thing taking down a hijacker, it's another thing entirely to remove its face in order to go in disguise or just for amusement.  
2. Pens - Yes the pen is mightier than the sword....that is, if you don't have a sword. In which case, you're going to use the pen as a knife. So that term is utter bullshit. It's like saying "The Pencil Sharpener is mightier than a fleet of B52 Bombers", it isn't, but if you have a good pen, and most elderly passenger will have claimed a reasonably sturdy Parker pen from one of those life insurance adverts and carry it with them with great pride, then, you have yourself a crude stabbing instrument. Here is another opportunity to sneak up on a hijacker if you haven't already (did you skip the condom kill?). A swift hand across the hijackers  mouth (you need to be behind them, idiot) to silence them and a quick tracheotomy should suffice. Note that desecrating the body isn't ideal. Remember, you've just killed a hijacker with a pen, and if you've followed the "condom kill" step then there may well be some passengers that are now more unnerved by you, especially if you start drawing comical glasses and a beard on the dead hijacker. 
3. This third terrorist take down is you most important one, for here is your key to becoming a legend. You've taken out his comrades, he knows this because now, you are walking down the aisle towards him and not listening to his calls for you to sit down. In desperation he grabs the stewardess you want to pork. It slows you down perhaps one step but you're still heading towards this man. Now listen carefully, because there could be some collateral damage here if it goes wrong. 

• Quicken your pace
• Remove your shirt and start scratching and slapping at your chest
• Start shadow boxing down the aisle
• Start using your football hooligan voice "C'mon ya fackin' slag" etc
• Punch someone in the face. It doesn't matter who, this is about showing who's boss
• Snatch a beer from the trolley, bite into the middle of it and let it spray you
• Quicken your pace to a sprint

You are now in proximity to the last remaining terrorist. He is rattled. Jesus Christ, wouldn't you be? I mean, not only has this idiot tried to hijack a plane, but he has also done it on your flight and now your shirt is off and you're cover in beer and anger. And you are literally a few yards from his person. 

We at Shotgun Junkies recommend one or a combination of the following:

• With your momentum carrying you towards him jump into the Superman position, thus offering what is known in head butting circles as "An Atomic Head Butt". With a good aim you're going to reduce the hijacker to a bloodied faced twitching mass of comically blubber - however a mistiming could result in you landing far short of your target and looking round just in time to see him praise a God as he plunges a knife into your face
• Using your momentum you recreate a Bruce Lee flying kick. You catch said hijacker in the face/torso/nads thus rendering him unbalanced or unconscious. Timing again is key. As is agility. If your agility is of that of Stephen Hawking at a game of Twister, well this could end badly. And if you are carrying excess body weight, well you could twist an ankle, thus landing in a heap before the hijacker and wondering if at least you looked cool before he cuts you
• With your momentum you rugby tackle the hijacker. Thus taking him off his feet and winding him and giving you the upper ground. Hopefully other passengers will now assist with detaining the hijacker. Be mindful though, because a mistimed rugby tackle could see you using your own own head as a battering ram against an unmovable object, such as a bolted down seat, the last thing your see after the stars slowly disappear is....well you know the rests.
• Using your rush of adrenaline gorilla press a passenger and launch them at the hijacker. They're making a supreme sacrifice but this is all about survival. Note, choose a passenger that is not requiring a double seat. The last thing you want here is a slipped disk after you foolishly tried to lift someone with the physique of Vanessa Feltz

So you've taken him down. The plane erupts with a mighty cheer. You've saved the day. But be modest. Play it cool. DON'T go for a the high fiving everyone as  you run down the aisle with the sound track to the Karate Kid in your head and running up to the stewardess and snogging her. This could be classed as sexual assault. DO NOT make a quip about the hijacker/s needing to be "off your plane" (in the manner of Harrison Ford in "Air-force One") and then opening the cabin door- at 37'000ft you are going to distribute the contents of the plane over an area the size of Bolivia. DO NOT announce that "I'm just going to check that everything is okay with the captain" and then boot the door of the cockpit off of its hinges, this is classed as terrorism. Just smile coyly but manly and walk with a swagger back to your seat. Enjoy a beer. Enjoy the smiles you get from the cabin crew. And think, at least you can make an earner on your heroics by selling your story to The Sun newspaper.

Enjoy your holiday my friend.