Survival Tips From The Headquarters of the Shotgun Junkies
*Stop*
*You may be in terrible danger of becoming a victim of a Zombie attack/mutation.*
*Please read the following to ensure safety and tips on how to to survive the outbreak*
Dear reader,
Well done on finding this most important guide to surviving the onslaught of a zombie apocalypse.
Here you will find some practical advice on how to keep your diet brain free (unless dietary requirements state otherwise).
We've all seen the news recently. Naked attacks where faces are eaten.
Terrifying I think you'll agree.
But do not fear, for although a Zombie Outbreak may inadvertently wipe out most of your friends and family you can rest assured that there is a glimmer of hope for your survival.
So lets get started.
How do we retain the look on the left over the look on the right?
Here you will find important steps:
Ok, so your at home enjoying a toasted sandwich, your phone rings. You pick it up and speak the English standard of telephony linguistics of "Hello?"
You are greeted by the sound of slobbering, growling and in the background some screaming, some sirens. You assume it to be your mother having accidentally called you from her latest movie shoot "Milfy & the Beast". You hangup.
A news flash suddenly interrupts Loose Woman and you are greeted by the gaunt and concerned face of a newsreader. The newsreader conveys the message that an outbreak of a new strain of virus with various numbers and letters in the name is spreading faster than scientists had expected.
Expect the virus to be scientifically known as something like "YRHJ-11 strain" but made more media friendly and potent sounding such as the "Fury Outbreak" or something similar.
So there you are, you've just watched a new flash that has confirmed your fears that you'd one day witness a zombie apocalypse. What the hell do you do next?
Well, here is a quick check list of what to get packed in a large sports bag (not so large that it's like a body bag though)
Stage One- Preparation:
Remember, you may confined to your house for an indefinite amount of time.
- Get your doors and windows locked
- Get yourself the large sports bag as mentioned above
- Grab all canned food types from cupboards
- Grab all cereal types and put them into airtight sandwich bags (do not take fresh meats or yogurts)
- Acquire as many bottles of water, use old bottles if needed. (Ensure water supplies are not contaminated)
- Batteries! Get them from every device in your home and put these also in a tight sealing bag
Stage Two -Arming Yourself:
Okay, so you have your food stuffs, you have water. You're locked snugly in your house. So what's next? Well what if you live in what we call the "Red Zone" where the outbreak is at its most prolific or just outside of the "Red Zone", you can't sit tight waiting for your doors and windows to implode and let those zombie bastards dine out on you likes some sort of cannibal buffet can you now.
It's time to get the hardware and in most houses you can find the following instruments for your protection, feel free to use artist creation as you wish, but just remember, a claw hammer is going to be more effective than say a framed picture of Celine Dion.
Here are a few suggestions:
- A hammer
- A large knife (butter knives are no good here)
- A shovel (perfect for distance bludgeoning and beheading
- A baseball bat (soft foam versions will not work as well and may expend much needed energy)
- A garden fork (dining forks are a no no here)
- A length of wood (a good sturdy piece of timber is recommended, again this is a crude implement, feel free to add nails into the killing end)
- A crowbar
- A chainsaw (this is more suited to those that are not weak stomached)
Note: These are close combat weapons and can prove to be a little to close for comfort when attempting to render a zombie void.
Now your fully armed, its time to know your zombie kill spots and points of interest.
Take a look at the following picture and remember these key areas:
The head is the optimum kill area, destroy the head and these human meat chomping mother fuckers will be nothing more than fly food.
Note: Owning a gun is a more efficient and cleaner way of disposing of the undead, methods using home found crude weapons will render your clothes in a state of disrepair. Best not to wear any items that you intend on wearing after the outbreak on a date or to a job interview.
The knee caps are not a kill spot but they do make things highly entertaining. Take the knees out on one of these bad boys and hilarity ensues! It won't make their appetite for your brains recede but it will make if possible to have some much needed amusement as you let them crawl up to you and then walk a good 10 metres behind them, once you are done with this entertainment, drive a well aimed shoved through their skull.
So, really the head is the only spot worth targeting, unless of course the constant slaughter of your zombiefied humans has taken its toll on you and you're getting experimental.
Top Tip: Why not try attacking the spine, this can have some interesting results.
Stage 3 - Surviving the Nights
Okay, so you've bagged some of your neighbours and even made an unscheduled visit to your old drummers house just because you got a little bit carried away- what is the next step?
Well unless you are fortunately enough to live in either an airship/ your own tropical island/ a fortress/ or the moon- if the virus is as volatile as we fear, then you're eventually going to have to vacate your home and get the hell out of here.
- A good supply of fuel in your vehicle is beneficial
- A reliable car is most important (there is no point taking your nans Ford Cortina)
- Load the car with the supplies as per stage one
- Check oil levels of car
- Check radio works and try locating a channel that can provide updates
So now you need to plan where to go.
Do you go where there are more people/refugees? Nope, an outbreak in a refugee camp would spread like wildfire and you'd be wondering where it all went wrong as your liver is being stripped out and eaten by an old girlfriend.
Think of a place where the zombies won't stroll into, Lets face it, the virus spread quickly through the cities and towns because of the close proximity of human congregation. So a city is out.
The woods? Possibly, it would have to be off the beaten track and a good distance from the nearest town/village/road.You'd have the bonus of being completely off the radar and the chances of someone stumbling across you would be slim. However you have the cost of having to be aware of 360 degrees of attack and plus the woods can be creepy as fuck at time, so choose wisely. On the plus side, woodland creatures and streams could be a good source of food and water. Be mindful of contamination in fresh water supplies.
A beach? Choose a good spot in a remote location, there is no point in setting up a camp on Margate sea front.
A remote beach will give you access to fish stock for food and unless the zombies can mount a beachhead invasion, well you've only got to cover 180 degrees of area. Fresh air and a potential rescue is a bonus but don't trust anyone, they might just be after your water/weapons etc......
A mountain? Quite a good idea, fresh mountain water is a win win situation, but the thin air and the weather could really ruin it for you. Zombies won't be able to catch a whiff of you so you'd be pretty safe, and if they did stumble up your mountain, well you have the upper ground.
A Supermarket? Hmmm, not the best of idea, the place would no doubt harbour unwanted attention, from undead shopper to hungry folk that will kill to get that last tin of chickpeas from the shelf.
It's a tough call, go with your gut feeling and not on your personal favourite, after all, this is a game of survival and not a Kodak moment.
Remember, you're looking to survive for as long as possible!
You will have to scavenge and pillage your way to survival, its a tough way to live and you will probably have no choice but to kill or be killed.
A hard choice is whether to keep moving or to stay put. In times of inactivity becomes complacency, this is when you will be at your most vulnerable.
*Following the above may or may not help you in the outbreak.*
We hope this guide helps.....
Be safe, Team Shotgun
No comments:
Post a Comment