!Meet The Band!
Welcome, and well done for getting here! I know what a minefield of shit the Internet can be, and no doubt you had multiple unscheduled stops at Porn Junction, Asian Bride Common and Cheap Viagra Park.
I suspect that you're feeling exhausted with it all and at the end of your tiring journey you just want to retire to a comfy seat and watch the college hottie neighbour tanning herself....
Well sit tight friends, put your tissues back in the box and that hand cream back in your girlfriend/wifes/mums handbag before she notices and get ready to be introduced to a group of really nice chaps.
I think you'll agree that these guys are everything and more than what you'd expect of this hardworking, God fearing, adorable collection of human DNA.
So lets jump straight in and introduce our first member of the Shotgun Junkies.
Come on down!
Henchman Smith
Henchman Smith. The elusive and retiring bassist/guitarist.
He originates from Planet Thanet and is educated to a secondary school standard, which is quite remarkable as he had further education at college and managed to pick up an A Level in music.
Age: Twenty something
Favourite Film: I Spit On Your Grave
Favourite Scent: Cut Grass & Red Diesel
Favourite Holiday Destination: Ascension Island
Last Expensive Purchase: A Soda Stream
Character Most Similar To: Vlad the Impaler
He is just like you, except he hates other humans and has zero tolerance towards butterflies and will wear smart shoes with any outfit.
There's nothing wrong with smart shoes?
Is that a statement or a question?
A question?
Well no you're right, there is nothing wrong with smart shoes, but you asked what he was like and I was merely pointing out that he is known for his smart shoes.
Oh I see, does he have an important job then?
Very important, he makes sure that the dishes are clean in a pub.
So he is the first line of defence against bacteria?
That's right, in fact most shifts he wears a suit similar to the Ghostbusters, however he doesn't use a proton pack like they do in the film, he uses a 12 gauge shotgun.
Isn't that dangerous?
Only if you're a bacteria. Or if you insist on looking him in the eyes. Or if you wear a roll neck jumper. Or he happens to be having one of those days where unloading deer slugs at a cowering work colleague seems the right thing to do.
He sounds kind of crazy doesn't he?
Not at all. For one thing, a crazy person can't car surf their own car at 70mph through a pedestrian area. That's the work of someone that is fully focus. A crazy person would fall right off.
No that's crazy?
I beg to differ. He can recognise the payload being dropped onto middle eastern villages just by the sound of the explosion.
Wow, that's....kind of impressive.
I agree, in fact he is experimenting at home with his own brand of warheads.
Hold up, did you you just say he is making his own warheads?
I don't think I said that.
No you did, you most certainly did!
Look, if he catches wind of you blurting that out then you can expect to find yourself gaffer taped to the front end of a Rover 75 and used as a fleshy battering-ram against an Oddbins window.
Sweet Lord, shouldn't we inform the police?
He is a patriot. He is a lone warrior, and the last person that mentioned the police woke up hog tied in a ditch after a brutal and impromptu horse assault.
Horse assault?
You ever seen a fire extinguisher smashed into a polo?
*The sound of vomiting is heard*
Cheeseman, a bassist/drummer and recently a father.
Yes, the man that was once dubbed as "The Letterbox Pisser" on Crime Watch has finally joined the ranks of the rest of the humans around him
Age: Twenty eight???
Favourite Film: Debbie Does Dallas
Favourite Scent:Fear
Favourite Holiday Destination:Chernobyl
Last Expensive Purchase:Industrial Size Box of Nappies
Character Most Similar To: R2D2
So tell, is Cheese really as happy as he looks in every picture?
I can confirm this to be true, although you may see it as happy, the rest of band see it as "confused". It's like a reflex mechanism, you ask him to play say a "G" on the bass, and he will offer you the smile as he will not understand the instruction. It makes him appear genuinely nice, but in actual fact it has caused the equivalent of many a bar room brawl in the studio.
Are you suggesting he doesn't know how to play the bass?
Not at all, in fact as bass players go, he is probably the most solid bassist around.
But you just said......
Shut up. Next question.
What does Cheese do for fun when he isn't with the band?
I can tell you now that Cheese is a total cu....fun guy. Most nights he can be found chasing the moths in his house in the hope of catching them and sedating them with dry ice, then he will paint military markings on their little wings and re-enact famous dog fights.
That's interesting, is he a war buff?
No he just likes to make the plane noise as they feverishly try and escape.
You've witnesses this?
Yes, just the other day a moth with Swastikas on its wings flew around the room in a panic as he fired off a Glock 9mm at it.
That's not a dog fight. How did it end?
It was a dog fight, but the moth with the British RAF markings stupidly skull fucked itself on the light bulb so Cheese played the role of anti-aircraft battery.
Doesn't he live in a flat with people above him and to the side?
Yep, but they just refer to their bullet wounds as "Cheesy boo boos"
Cheesy boo boos?
That's correct. Its because of that fucking smile.
Oh so he defuses the situation by smiling?
No he just aims the Glock at their face and smiles, most people then just become curtain twitchers as oppose to witnesses in a crown court, its a harsh lesson that most neighbours of his will learn.
But nice guy all-round?
Cracking bloke. He also delivers Chinese food.
That's quite a revelation, does he take it seriously?
The body count and endless speed camera tickets would suggest he does.
What nights does he do it?
Depends on the demand, all I will say is if you hear helicopters and sirens, don't leave your house and make sure you've locked the dog in.
Dan Kamikaze, the enigma. The driving force behind so many band break-ups.
A movie buff, a potential superhero, an artist in every sense of the word. Loved by some, hated by most. He's chiseled good looks have attracted the attention of the worlds media and blood diamond miners.
Age: Thirty one
Favourite Film: Sisterhood
Favourite Scent:Aviation Fuel, New Tennis Ball
Favourite Holiday Destination: Downtown Baghdad
Last Expensive Purchase:A Bronze Statue of Megan Fox with drilled out fun holes
Character Most Similar To: Glenn Quagmire
So, tell me, Dan sees himself as the artists-artist.What does that mean exactly?
Dan believes that he could fling shit up a wall and sell it. He has also attempted this.
That's a brash statement isn't it?
It is, but it's more a way of making himself feel better with his failures.
What failures?
A certain failure in the shape of a human slug.
Oh you mean.......
Shhh....we don't mention that thing anymore.
Wow, I never knew that. So how does he still find the motivation to do this?
He doesn't. He likes the idea of being a successful musician. These days he is driven by his hatred towards the music scene in the UK
That's a strange reason to continue right?
Indeed, I wouldn't be surprised if he pulled out a Magnum at a gig and started taking shots at anyone on the crowd.
He made the statement, and I quote "With a face like mine the clunge comes leaping at me like a face hugger from the film Aliens"- that seems both crude and bold wouldn't you say?
Not at all, at one gig some old bint flung her bloomers at him and asked him to sign her colostomy bag.
That doesn't paint the same kind of image as the statement he made about clunge leaping at him does it?
Well no, but you have to understand that he has to respect the privacy of those top shelf birds that want him so badly.
Is that a fib?
........no...next question please. And someone get me a glass of water.
Ok, Is it true that he can juggle?
........What?
Sorry, wrong interview sheet. Ok, so what is Dan's plan with the Shotgun Junkies?
I think the goal is to actually do something positive.
Isn't that the goal of every band?
I guess so....
So that was a stupid answer really wasn't it?
I'm sorry. Hold on, fuck you!
Moving on, when can we expect to see the band live in action?
Well, Angie has recently married and is going back to Russia where she will become the housewife of a bear wrestler. So a slight readjustment is happening in which Cheese will take up the position of the drums, Hen will go back to the bass and Dan will do what ever he does.
Wait, why am I only finding this out now? If I knew that I would have asked different questions, can we start again?
Nope.
They're right, you are a git
This interview is over.
*The sound of scuffling and violence is heard*
So there you have folks. You now know that little bit more than before about Team Shotgun and the Junkies.
We hope you feel closer to the boys than you did prior to reading this blog. And remember, they may have the tendencies to throat punch strangers that ask questions but don't be shy to ask them (from a safe distance) when and where they are playing next.
Look out for next weeks blog entitled "Things That Go Funk In The Night" an article by Cheese that explains he's passion for dancing to 70's disco in the middle of the night.
I'm Jessie Pilchard, and this has been an exclusive interview with the Shotgun Junkies.
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