How to Make Football More Interesting.....

It's the Euros, and here at Team Shotgun we like to support our boys as they play in the tournaments. We like to blast out vuvuzela's in the faces of kindly old folk that look concerned when we burst into their retirement home with our entire bodies painted in the England colours.

We will drink until our piss is frothy and our eyes our more red than a glue sniffers.

We will cheer until our throats feel like they are wrapped in barbed wire and the riot police are called out.

However there is one thing that drives us up the wall and has us baying for blood.

And that is the dramas on the pitch that comes with every tackle or accidental clash.

This year I am sure it is a tournament to show off who can look the most wounded at every given moment…

Seriously, I was watching the Czech’s vs. Greece the other night and I went from being intrigued as to who would go through to the next round to being mesmerised as to how a professional athlete on the world stage can clatter to the ground with as much grace as a wheelchair rolling down a set of stairs and not hang his head in shame.

I started wondering if these overpaid soap actors truly are phobic of being touched in any shape or form. Perhaps at home their sex lives involve looking at their partner from behind a Perspex screen and yanking one out in a Midnight Express kind of way?

How the fuck do these guys walk around in a public place? How do they handle meeting people? I imagine that when a group of fans come cheering and wanting to shake their teams hands that they have to beat a quick retreat as their heroes lay semi slain on the floor, withering around with pained expressions that a victim of a clumsy sniper might display after a gut shot….I can imagine all those fans that eagerly wanted to meet the team -running away like cockroaches under a light when they realise that they’ve patted the backs of their favourite players to hard…..

Professional boxers….could you imagine a similar display in the ring? Fights wouldn’t last more than 7 seconds.

So here are some bullet points for FIFA and UEFA to review at their next board meeting, bullet points that could remove the theatricals….

• Landmines under the pitch that are activated upon large impact, i.e full body contact to ground after needless dive.
• Explosive collars like in the Running Man that activate when in a blatant offside position
• Timer activated Flame Throwers at the edge of the pitch to ensure time wasting with throw-ins is eliminated.
• Areas of the pitch that fall away to a spikey death if footballers tit around in their own half passing it back and forth when there is no threat, you look like cunts when you do this.
• Hungry lions and tigers released onto the pitch if it goes into extra time, if you haven’t won after 90 minutes, well you deserve to be eaten.
• During half time the crowd get to vote on the most useless player from the previous half and get to throw stones at said player as he is made to do a lap around the edge of the pitch.
• The dug out should be a proper dug out that can be flooded if illogical strategies and substitutions are made.
• A large blimp above the stadium slowly releases molten metal if the crowd deems the game to be boring.
• If representing your country you score an own goal, the guilty party is put leg first through a wood chipper.        
• Goalkeepers that make exaggerated hand gestures as if signally that the rest of his team are at fault for his butter fingered mistakes should be tied to a post and subjected to a every member of the team kicking him repeatedly in the scrote.
• Haircuts should be manly- any haircut that requires the aid of a hairband on the top of the head or looks like it has been styled before kick off by a professional should be burnt off by the referee with a disposable lighter and a can of hairspray.
• At half time the players should be tasered until they are fully recharged and ready to go.
• Substitutions should be based on which player wins a knife fight on the side lines.
• Players that repeatedly miss the target by a country mile have to see if they can outrun a fly-by-wire RPG.
•  Celebrations after scoring should be a simple gesture of crossing your arms above your head to signify allegiance with your country. Any other celebration will be deemed an insult to your country and will result in a Ford Transit full of Albanians bursting onto a pitch, abducting you and sending live streaming footage to the big screens of your torture. (Somersaults are permitted as they look cool)
•  Commentators are allowed to swear.
•  Linesman are allowed to brandish a handgun. Players that dispute a linesman/referees decision are liable to being gunned down.
•  Players will no longer earn more money in a week than I would earn in well over a decade of hard work, you are privileged to play for your country, yet you lack the intelligence to even spell country-  you drive a Bentley, you are fucking a glamour model which together gives you a combines IQ of 17 and you have the charisma and likability of a Joseph Fritlz at a a DIY seminar entitled “Basements, How to Clad The Walls”, you are not worthy of 200k plus a week. You will be paid based on the amount of goals you defend or score per game, zero of either will result in payment of the free oranges you will receive at half time, your bus fare is deducted from this orange payment, so technically, you owe oranges to your country.

And there you have it, it may seem harsh, but we are living in a world where video games consist of slowing down time as you shoot someone repeatedly in the face or carjacking is as simple as pressing a button. The general tolerance to violence is high. Only MP’s that are getting sucked off by a one-legged hooker or media outlets that hack your phones will protest against this lapse in human decency. So we must surely be on a path where we can watch game shows where people contend to win money and their life. Let’s start with football.