How to chase a tornado and save your marriage

So here we are again, offering the kind of services you’ve probably come to expect of us helpful folk here at Team Shotgun.

When we’re not writing tunes that make you want to punch your passive-aggressive mother-in-law, who refuses to accept that you’re the one nailing her daughter (or possibly not, but I’ll get to that later on) or declaring war on the Chinese Army, because you’ve become consistent at scoring good kill/death ratios on Call of Duty, armed with nothing but a jock strap and a try square because let’s face it, we’ve all pretended that they’re pistols at some point in our childhood.

But I must digress, time is money and knowledge is power, so let’s get down to the nitty gritty.

Here at Team Shotgun, we are often asked by our dedicated fans for advice on natural disasters. By natural disasters, I do not mean Justin Bieber, nothing natural can be that fucking devastating, but that feared lady herself, Mother Nature.

Now there are many types of disasters, but for the purpose of this guide, were going to give you the lowdown on how to chase a tornado. Why? Because the tornado has a mysterious, still largely understood, beautifully destructive prowess, that is very similar to us here at Team Shotgun, whilst providing you with the primal kind of adrenaline matched only by being towed down a runway at take-off speed by a F15 Eagle.

If you’re like me, then you’ll think the only thing required to chase a tornado are a pair of Levi’s and a strong Texan accent, but I discovered, there is a rich tapestry of methods to guide you through.

Here in the UK, we tend to voice our disdain on our climate very often, but in reality, for the most part- all we have to put up with typically is some brisk drizzle and light fog, that necessitates the use of fog lights and full beams from the 82 year old man who drives a J reg Rover 200 on the outside lane of the M25 at 45 mp/h on a Monday morning at 8am, so why, you ask, are we giving you advice on how to chase a tornado?

Two things – firstly, climate change. (We are environmentally aware here at Shotgun HQ)

Secondly, and more likely, you are taking the wife on holiday, to repair the cracks that have been forming since you bulls eyed that secretary in the toilet of the ExCel centre during that business conference. (Really, could you have fucked up your marriage in a less cliché way?)

You have both gone through the motions of picking a suitable holiday destination – flicking through brochures, visiting the high street and searching online. You’ve ruled out all the typical destinations such as Ibiza, Majorca Florida and Tenerife, on the basis that a holiday with a much different atmosphere is needed to revive this train crash of a relationship. At a loss, you decide to clear your mind by clearing out the garage (mainly to gather possessions to sell at a boot fair, to fund your sudden interest in golf) when you stumble across an old, dusty box of VHS tapes.

You sift through them, chuckling at old memories when you come to a copy of the 1996 blockbuster movie Twister, an award winning film about a separated couple, going through the process of divorce,  but end up on the road together chasing a fast developing storm system, whilst rebuilding their relationship along the way. In due course you find the VCR player, and set about spending the rest of the day trying to connect it to your HD TV, before inevitably realising that it does not have a Scart after getting the HDMI cable stuck in the power socket. You give up and stream it off the web. Then it hits you, like that time the wife socked you one for spending the mortgage money on an air guitar, ‘Maybe we can rebuild our relationship in the same way by chasing some storms together and finding ourselves again’

So here we are. You have booked your tickets to a Midwest airport US airport of your choice, so now let’s run through what you are going to need for your adrenaline packed, make or break holiday.

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•       A Vehicle. Unless you have your own Boeing 767 Cargo aircraft, well, it’s probably easier to get one the other side of the pond. Vehicle choice is crucial – A Toyota Prius is just not going to cut the mustard. Masculinity is key here (The wife already rolls her eyes every time you have to go anywhere in your Peugeot 206 convertible) so a Kia is not going to suffice here. Ruggedness is also an important factor, as most of the ploughed roads in Midwest America would be deemed as ‘dodgy’ even in Southern Siberia, so a large SUV, or preferably a large pickup with an oversized V8 petrol engine that consumes fuel at a similar level to the Millennium Falcon, is order of the day.

•           Some basic weather equipment. When you’ve got a 150 mp/h + funnel of debris and wind approaching you, that “cracking” MetOffice app on your iPhone, that updates once per day, is not going to be sufficient.
•           Maps. If you can’t navigate your way to your local Morrison’s without taking a detour through the Outer Hebrides, then Satellite Navigation is definitely the method of choice, but for the more confident driver, a map is perfectly suitable.

•           Clothing. Flip flops and Speedo’s are not going to be suitable – You’re going to be encountering torrential rain, hail and of course, strong winds, annoying accents, incest and some rather portly characters, so the appropriate attire is essential. That Regatta coat you found whilst clearing out the garage will be perfect for the rugged conditions you may encounter – but make sure the box of porn DVD’s it was covering up is recovered with something else (or all the following hard work could be jeopardized). That hoody you bought from Primark with ‘New York Athletic College’ on the front, in a feeble attempt at looking more hip and youthful in front of your 13 year old daughters friends, will make you look as cool as a white suit and flares in a Manchester night club.

•           Patience. Remember, you’re in the land of the free, so naturally, every American is going to think you are from Australia, so to save the valuable time of having to show every yank where England is on the table top globe that the wife packed instead of the Satnav, study up on Australia and make up the name of somewhere you’re from.
• 
  
•           The wife. Possibly the most crucial thing to take here. Remember why you’re doing this amigo, if she gets the slightest inkling that this is purely your pursuit, then you’re fucked. It’ll be like Home Alone, except when you get home on the U-Haul rental van, she’ll be waiting at the door, dressed as Rambo armed with a M60 light machine gun, so DO remember to take her.

Got all those? Great, so let the holiday begin.

Now remember folks, we’re here to help, so take all this advice on board and all shall be well.

Your main goal is to repair the shattered remains of what was once a half decent partnership and turn it into something slightly more functional than that paper mache barbeque you made, so firstly you need to show her she is the top priority, and not going down to the local bar and consuming enough Budweiser to make you implode like a Neutron star. Get a decent hotel booked for your first day, before all the action begins. Preferably, you want a hotel $with a decent view – a window overlooking the local Seven-Eleven and Taco Bell is car park where gang shootings are at an all time high is just going to cause massive disdain on her part. Take her out for the day, take in the culture and set the mood according at the hotel. Run a nice hot bath or set up the ironing board for her, use your head here, we don’t know your wife* (*Not  100% guaranteed*)

 We want to start our mission on a level playing field and on a decent note. Get her a nice bunch of flowers in England and take them with you to the states, because picking up something as docile as flowers is going to be fairly difficult in America, a country where semi-skimmed milk and Remington 870 pump-action shotgun can be found side by side in the local Wal Mart. Walking into the hotel room with a rose in the mouth and a shotgun in hand could give the wrong impression, as much as we do love a good shotgun.

It’s now early evening; you’ve been out for a bite to eat and managed to get through the flight without jamming a screwdriver in her face. The lights fading, the bath is running, or the iron is warming up depending on what you’ve arranged, and the TV is on a low volume, whilst the rumble of distant thunder echoes across the plains. Then, the news channel bursts onto the screen with a weather warning. A tornado warning and its forecast for the county you happen to be in. What do you do? The trip so far is proving to be fruitful as far as reconnecting with one another is concerned, so do you take heed of the warning and make your way to shelter? No. A woman likes a man of action (except for that time you got hammered at your mates house party and attempted to motorboat his sisters tits in front of her) so this is the point where you don the aviators you nicked out of Topman, grab the Regatta coat and tell the wife to ‘get in the truck, we’re going after it’.

Now, this is the second part of the holiday, the other reason while you’re here, so you have to do it right and get the right amount of excitement flowing. The tornado is not a force to take lightly, so for at least 70% of the time, try and keep your eyes on it, and not the wifes chest, that suddenly seems so much more attractive than what it was in England (not related to the fact every woman you’ve seen so far is the size of one of Jupiter’s moons and bears a striking resemblance to Burt Reynolds, or a wild Boar).

Let’s run through a few important notes on chasing the storm itself:

Make sure the truck has a full tank of fuel, because it’s not going to be as good on fuel as your fathers Cavalier, which he claims does 70mpg, because running out of fuel with a tornado approaching you is not only embarrassing, but as dangerous as a game of table tennis with Abu Hamza. Remember that US spec cars have a different pedal system to UK and European cars – The pedal on the right is not the accelerator, but is an emergency dump valve for the fuel tank, press it all the way down and the tank will be empty in about 5 seconds. Then again, it could still be the accelerator.

• American 4x4’s have the off road abilities of the trolley with the one wonky wheel you always get fobbed off with at Lidl, so try and stick to highways whenever possible, and if you do have to venture off-road, try and use the least muddy road possible, because cars do not fly particularly well, so if you do get picked up by the funnel, the airbags are not going to do you much good here.

• Keep close to a McDonalds whenever possible - Name me a film where a McDonalds is destroyed or damaged? Keep one within a reasonable distance and your saved amigo.

• Have a Shotgun Junkies CD in the car at all times. When the adrenaline becomes too much and fear starts to kick in, this could give you the aggressive boost that keeps you away from the rock and the hard place. Here at Shotgun HQ, we recommend any of our songs to keep you alert.

• Keep parallel to the twister at all times. If it starts looking larger, or looks like it’s not moving at all, it’s coming right at you, and trying to outrun one of these bad boys is as easy as doing the Pamplona bull run with Stiletto heels.

• Do not take refuge under an overpass. This age old myth that the trusty overpass will protect you, should you get caught between the rock and the hard place, is just that – a myth. Holding a baguette over your head would probably be better protection, so avoid these like the local Chinese restaurant that was shut down for serving Chihuahua.

If you stick to these ground rules, and everything goes well, your mission will be accomplished. The wife shall be satisfied, the ExCel centre incident will more than likely be forgotten about amongst all the excitement, and a new lease for life will co-exist between you when you get home, and the constant fix of adrenaline you’ll both be after will keep life in your marriage.

Of course, she may not enjoy it whatsoever and she’ll divorce you.

The Xbox Saviour

Frequent Flyer or Gun for Hire?

Here at Shotgun Junkies HQ we like to look out for our dear followers and friends, and this is why we like to offer you sound advice in the face of a crisis (see surviving a zombie apocalypse post) - we also like to keep you up-to-date on our holidaying plans (this year = none). So whilst brainstorming in the Shotgun Junkies HQ we combined the two. 

Today we're going to look at the possibility of a major crisis and your holiday. Strap in because this one is going to get turbulent.

PART 1

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So you big soft fuck! You booked a trip to Malaga with that chick you nailed next to a Biffa bin during your legendary "Pull a Pig Night", who'd have thought you'd still be in that sink hole eh!

You've your tickets in hand and you packed enough rubbers in your case to make a wetsuit for Free Willy. In your luggage case you also placed some Joop aftershave (because you just can't let go of the early 2000's) and a pair of not overly garish swimming shorts, after all, you don't want to attract too much attention by the pool, hell you've even had your mum shave your back for this, and were they sit-ups you were doing? You slick son of a bitch. You also packed the typical sundries that all men take on holiday didn't you?

• A book - You've no intention to read it. You'll just pretend you're reading whilst really you're checking out the camel-toe on the Hispanic milf that has enough muff hair hanging out of her swim suit to stuff a Premier Inn mattress.
• A Guide Book for Historical Attractions - You purchased this to impress your girl, but really whilst flicking through it you were distracted by the statue of the naked chick on page 24, at least you had a cultural wank eh?
• Flip Flops - You're not even sure if this constitutes to being gay or not, you'll play it by ear when you land, but you've also packed your work boots (steal top-caped) just in case, after all, you don't to slide into a pair of flip flops and then suddenly find yourself invited to a pool party hosted by a former English game show presenter.
• A Union Jack Towel - Because after all, what country doesn't want to know you've arrived right?
• Sun Cream - With  undoubtedly a lower SPF than exposure to a napalm attack. That English red sunburn looks awesome on that Union Jack towel my friend.
• Condoms - As mentioned, sunburnt or not, your girl is going to take the kind of pounding that the bells of Big Ben take, hell, you're on holiday, you might even persuade her to make a porno in your room if you palm her enough WKD's.
• Enough small change left over from the airport back in the UK to stupidly spill all over the hotel room floor within minutes of arriving. You'll be finding these throughout your stay, along with toenail clipping that look like they've been sheared from King Kong.

You've boarded your flight. That Air-stewardess looks hot enough to take to the toilets and smash her back doors in, I mean, she smiled at you, she definitely wants a piece. Right?

Your seats are at the rear of the plane, or "The Springboard End" if you prefer, the place where even mild turbulence becomes a re-enactment of The Great San Francisco Earthquake. But hey ho, you're close enough to the toilets should you have a little accident during any extreme turbulence, plus the flight is short enough not to faze you too much with the smell of shit after shit that is taken by the rest of the passengers that seem completely nonchalant about virtually sticking their arse in your face as they queue for shitter - and of course, that stewardess might want some serious toilet action when she next passes.

You're soon airborne! Hooray!

Your girlfriend has pretty much been crying non-stop due to her fear of flying, you've tried to reassure her as best a man can, with the usual comments of subtle comfort, through to describing the odds of anything life threatening happening, and concluding with you making comments about how awful an air crash would be and how as you're at the rear of the plane you'd be the ones that die last. 

And then on cue an event happens.  A commotion is taking place further up the cabin. Suddenly the commotion carries screams, fearful screams. Everyone on the plane is now looking forward to where the commotion is. And then you see it. Three men, armed with weapons standing in the aisle. They are screaming that they will blow up the plane or kill passengers if they are not taken to an airport of their choice.

Your mind frantically assesses this situation. And two question repeatedly mentally yell at you. 

"Should I be a hero?" 

 &

"If the government scramble Typhoons to intercept us, how long will I be able to admire the aerodynamics of it before I'm looking at the business end of an air-to-air missile"

PART 2

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You need to think fast here gringo. Shit just got real. (Copywrite - Bad Boys).

Everyone on the plane is in  a state of isolated confusion. They sit with their loved ones and hope to see the end of this.

Perhaps you should also take that line of thinking. 

What weapons you see on the hijackers consists of knives. No guns. No sign of a bomb. Political terrorists no doubt. Are you going to go for broke here my friend? 

Well that is why Shotgun Junkies are here. We like to advise you of your best options. And below are your three bests options. 

 Lets face it, you're going to be a hero because, well, the chances are that the stewardess you've taken a fancy to might be partial to taking on you and your girlfriend. Imagine that, you're ploughing the stewardess like a Nebraskan corn field and jamming her face at the same time into your girlfriends pu......*focus my friend, that meat spear can't help you here*.

Well, we're going to assume that you are up from your seat and now ready to become Chuck Norris' harder English brother, plus you've got Xbox training on your side. Lets fuck some hijackers up. High Five the screen.....NOW!

Here is your check list:

1. Condoms - You kept a stash in your carry-on because......well because you're fucking weird like that, you may even have tried one on in an airport toilet, pissed in it to see what it felt like and then spent ten minutes drying off your shorts thereafter. We won't judge you. But, those rubbers, they've just become your best friend. And here's why. Suffocation, using your Splinter Cell / Hitman / Manhunt  skills you can quickly and quietly dispatch a terrorist, ensure you hide that body, get other passenger to help load the body into an overhead locker or simply leave it in the aisle should you wish to be of the less tactful type. Desecrating the body is not an ideal option here. Remember there are other passengers with young children on this flight, its one thing taking down a hijacker, it's another thing entirely to remove its face in order to go in disguise or just for amusement.  
2. Pens - Yes the pen is mightier than the sword....that is, if you don't have a sword. In which case, you're going to use the pen as a knife. So that term is utter bullshit. It's like saying "The Pencil Sharpener is mightier than a fleet of B52 Bombers", it isn't, but if you have a good pen, and most elderly passenger will have claimed a reasonably sturdy Parker pen from one of those life insurance adverts and carry it with them with great pride, then, you have yourself a crude stabbing instrument. Here is another opportunity to sneak up on a hijacker if you haven't already (did you skip the condom kill?). A swift hand across the hijackers  mouth (you need to be behind them, idiot) to silence them and a quick tracheotomy should suffice. Note that desecrating the body isn't ideal. Remember, you've just killed a hijacker with a pen, and if you've followed the "condom kill" step then there may well be some passengers that are now more unnerved by you, especially if you start drawing comical glasses and a beard on the dead hijacker. 
3. This third terrorist take down is you most important one, for here is your key to becoming a legend. You've taken out his comrades, he knows this because now, you are walking down the aisle towards him and not listening to his calls for you to sit down. In desperation he grabs the stewardess you want to pork. It slows you down perhaps one step but you're still heading towards this man. Now listen carefully, because there could be some collateral damage here if it goes wrong. 

• Quicken your pace
• Remove your shirt and start scratching and slapping at your chest
• Start shadow boxing down the aisle
• Start using your football hooligan voice "C'mon ya fackin' slag" etc
• Punch someone in the face. It doesn't matter who, this is about showing who's boss
• Snatch a beer from the trolley, bite into the middle of it and let it spray you
• Quicken your pace to a sprint

You are now in proximity to the last remaining terrorist. He is rattled. Jesus Christ, wouldn't you be? I mean, not only has this idiot tried to hijack a plane, but he has also done it on your flight and now your shirt is off and you're cover in beer and anger. And you are literally a few yards from his person. 

We at Shotgun Junkies recommend one or a combination of the following:

• With your momentum carrying you towards him jump into the Superman position, thus offering what is known in head butting circles as "An Atomic Head Butt". With a good aim you're going to reduce the hijacker to a bloodied faced twitching mass of comically blubber - however a mistiming could result in you landing far short of your target and looking round just in time to see him praise a God as he plunges a knife into your face
• Using your momentum you recreate a Bruce Lee flying kick. You catch said hijacker in the face/torso/nads thus rendering him unbalanced or unconscious. Timing again is key. As is agility. If your agility is of that of Stephen Hawking at a game of Twister, well this could end badly. And if you are carrying excess body weight, well you could twist an ankle, thus landing in a heap before the hijacker and wondering if at least you looked cool before he cuts you
• With your momentum you rugby tackle the hijacker. Thus taking him off his feet and winding him and giving you the upper ground. Hopefully other passengers will now assist with detaining the hijacker. Be mindful though, because a mistimed rugby tackle could see you using your own own head as a battering ram against an unmovable object, such as a bolted down seat, the last thing your see after the stars slowly disappear is....well you know the rests.
• Using your rush of adrenaline gorilla press a passenger and launch them at the hijacker. They're making a supreme sacrifice but this is all about survival. Note, choose a passenger that is not requiring a double seat. The last thing you want here is a slipped disk after you foolishly tried to lift someone with the physique of Vanessa Feltz

So you've taken him down. The plane erupts with a mighty cheer. You've saved the day. But be modest. Play it cool. DON'T go for a the high fiving everyone as  you run down the aisle with the sound track to the Karate Kid in your head and running up to the stewardess and snogging her. This could be classed as sexual assault. DO NOT make a quip about the hijacker/s needing to be "off your plane" (in the manner of Harrison Ford in "Air-force One") and then opening the cabin door- at 37'000ft you are going to distribute the contents of the plane over an area the size of Bolivia. DO NOT announce that "I'm just going to check that everything is okay with the captain" and then boot the door of the cockpit off of its hinges, this is classed as terrorism. Just smile coyly but manly and walk with a swagger back to your seat. Enjoy a beer. Enjoy the smiles you get from the cabin crew. And think, at least you can make an earner on your heroics by selling your story to The Sun newspaper.

Enjoy your holiday my friend.

Shotgun Holidays!

Yes!!

It's that time of year where Team Shotgun put down their axes, shutdown their creative minds and inform their parole officers/rehab centre that they are going to be unwinding for a week or two and with any luck coming back home feeling rested and bronzed of skin and possibly sporting a sombrero or sexually transmitted disease.

So perched over a map of our glorious planet we truly had the world at our calling.

The names of exotic locations danced off the page, teasing with a beautiful grace. But as with all things in life it really comes down to budget. So having excited the senses and perhaps installed false hope of jetting off to some sun drenched island, I finally announced our location as the Isle of Wight, just a few miles south of Portsmouth just off the A3.

Hours later after the paramedics had finally removed the laptop from my skull I tried to put a bright spin on it.

"It involves getting on a boat, so its kind of like a cruise, except we get to take our car, which almost makes it a hybrid cruise/fly-drive holiday, minus the flying........."

Fortunately the paramedics were only parked outside eating their sandwiches and didn't have to travel from to far away to administer the CPR.

Eventually I talked sense into my most dearest and she finally succumb to the notion of spending sometime on an Isle that is reachable by even an asthmatic child in a dingy, but still, researching on the internet had delivered exciting tourist adverts involving chines and needles (gashes in the landscape and pointing outcrops at sea) - I spoke lively about a chilli and garlic farm we could visit and was rewarded with a look that could have felled an elephant.

She seemed elated, in a nonchalant kind of way.

"So where are we staying?" she asked.

I announced the name of the caravan park and watched in terror as she manhandled the 50' TV from the wall and launched it at me as if it was a toy truck and she was man-child with a serious case of alien hand syndrome. It probably wasn't the name of the park that did it but the mere mention of the words "caravan park".

The next day, after enough sedatives in her to keep her pacified and dribbling at the car window, we arrived at the park, and having checked in with a devoted iPhone using admin girl we were pointed in the rough direction of our Chalet.

Now to those that are of the trusting ilk, such as myself, you would envision a holiday chalet a kind of cosy but smaller version of a bungalow, quaint but homely, perhaps some flowers growing up the side? Instead we were greeted by an exact replica of an Afghan mountain side hut that has just been blessed with an informal introduction to a Predator drone and its entire payload.
The door all but fell off when opened and the smell that emanated had me wondering what room the I'd find the mutilated remains of a hooker in.  In a screech of burning rubber we head back to reception. The sedatives had worn off the missues at this point and I suddenly wished for either a tranquilizer gun or a way of pre-warning  the receptionist of her impending demise.

Moments later out steps the missues, a smile to her face and a lack of blood on her hands. She spun a new set of keys on her finger and announced that we had been upgraded. My first thought was along the lines of wondering what could be a possible upgraded to? An abattoir? A Slovakian torture house for budding snuff movie producers? But no, it seems the upgrade levels were steep, in that we found ourselves in a light and airy caravan. Now normally I scoff at caravans but as mentioned, this was a budget holiday owing to the fact I had just spent all my wages on a new guitar amp....

And so, some time on the Isle of Wight has provided to be quite pleasant. I wasn't shanked by an escape con called Gummy and I didn't find any rashes on my body after sleeping in the remarkably white bed of the caravan.

Henchman Smith on the other hand is currently cruising through Europe with the family of his Czech girlfriend (and his girlfriend, otherwise that would be weird). As to whether he has been sold to a boy-hungry group of fishermen remains to be seen, but I've no doubt that on his return that he will regale you with news of his trip.

Once Team Shotgun are fully back in the basking rain of Kent and enjoying the fresh smell of raw sewage as it pumps without fault onto our beaches- we will give you some real blog info, including (and not limited to) our new drummer and his uncanny ability to have hair so neat that it defies the laws of nature .

With love and hugs,

Team Shotgun.

How to Make Football More Interesting.....

It's the Euros, and here at Team Shotgun we like to support our boys as they play in the tournaments. We like to blast out vuvuzela's in the faces of kindly old folk that look concerned when we burst into their retirement home with our entire bodies painted in the England colours.

We will drink until our piss is frothy and our eyes our more red than a glue sniffers.

We will cheer until our throats feel like they are wrapped in barbed wire and the riot police are called out.

However there is one thing that drives us up the wall and has us baying for blood.

And that is the dramas on the pitch that comes with every tackle or accidental clash.

This year I am sure it is a tournament to show off who can look the most wounded at every given moment…

Seriously, I was watching the Czech’s vs. Greece the other night and I went from being intrigued as to who would go through to the next round to being mesmerised as to how a professional athlete on the world stage can clatter to the ground with as much grace as a wheelchair rolling down a set of stairs and not hang his head in shame.

I started wondering if these overpaid soap actors truly are phobic of being touched in any shape or form. Perhaps at home their sex lives involve looking at their partner from behind a Perspex screen and yanking one out in a Midnight Express kind of way?

How the fuck do these guys walk around in a public place? How do they handle meeting people? I imagine that when a group of fans come cheering and wanting to shake their teams hands that they have to beat a quick retreat as their heroes lay semi slain on the floor, withering around with pained expressions that a victim of a clumsy sniper might display after a gut shot….I can imagine all those fans that eagerly wanted to meet the team -running away like cockroaches under a light when they realise that they’ve patted the backs of their favourite players to hard…..

Professional boxers….could you imagine a similar display in the ring? Fights wouldn’t last more than 7 seconds.

So here are some bullet points for FIFA and UEFA to review at their next board meeting, bullet points that could remove the theatricals….

• Landmines under the pitch that are activated upon large impact, i.e full body contact to ground after needless dive.
• Explosive collars like in the Running Man that activate when in a blatant offside position
• Timer activated Flame Throwers at the edge of the pitch to ensure time wasting with throw-ins is eliminated.
• Areas of the pitch that fall away to a spikey death if footballers tit around in their own half passing it back and forth when there is no threat, you look like cunts when you do this.
• Hungry lions and tigers released onto the pitch if it goes into extra time, if you haven’t won after 90 minutes, well you deserve to be eaten.
• During half time the crowd get to vote on the most useless player from the previous half and get to throw stones at said player as he is made to do a lap around the edge of the pitch.
• The dug out should be a proper dug out that can be flooded if illogical strategies and substitutions are made.
• A large blimp above the stadium slowly releases molten metal if the crowd deems the game to be boring.
• If representing your country you score an own goal, the guilty party is put leg first through a wood chipper.        
• Goalkeepers that make exaggerated hand gestures as if signally that the rest of his team are at fault for his butter fingered mistakes should be tied to a post and subjected to a every member of the team kicking him repeatedly in the scrote.
• Haircuts should be manly- any haircut that requires the aid of a hairband on the top of the head or looks like it has been styled before kick off by a professional should be burnt off by the referee with a disposable lighter and a can of hairspray.
• At half time the players should be tasered until they are fully recharged and ready to go.
• Substitutions should be based on which player wins a knife fight on the side lines.
• Players that repeatedly miss the target by a country mile have to see if they can outrun a fly-by-wire RPG.
•  Celebrations after scoring should be a simple gesture of crossing your arms above your head to signify allegiance with your country. Any other celebration will be deemed an insult to your country and will result in a Ford Transit full of Albanians bursting onto a pitch, abducting you and sending live streaming footage to the big screens of your torture. (Somersaults are permitted as they look cool)
•  Commentators are allowed to swear.
•  Linesman are allowed to brandish a handgun. Players that dispute a linesman/referees decision are liable to being gunned down.
•  Players will no longer earn more money in a week than I would earn in well over a decade of hard work, you are privileged to play for your country, yet you lack the intelligence to even spell country-  you drive a Bentley, you are fucking a glamour model which together gives you a combines IQ of 17 and you have the charisma and likability of a Joseph Fritlz at a a DIY seminar entitled “Basements, How to Clad The Walls”, you are not worthy of 200k plus a week. You will be paid based on the amount of goals you defend or score per game, zero of either will result in payment of the free oranges you will receive at half time, your bus fare is deducted from this orange payment, so technically, you owe oranges to your country.

And there you have it, it may seem harsh, but we are living in a world where video games consist of slowing down time as you shoot someone repeatedly in the face or carjacking is as simple as pressing a button. The general tolerance to violence is high. Only MP’s that are getting sucked off by a one-legged hooker or media outlets that hack your phones will protest against this lapse in human decency. So we must surely be on a path where we can watch game shows where people contend to win money and their life. Let’s start with football.

Survival Tips From The Headquarters of the Shotgun Junkies

Survival Tips From The Headquarters of the Shotgun Junkies

*Stop*

*You may be in terrible danger of becoming a victim of a Zombie attack/mutation.*

*Please read the following to ensure safety and tips on how to to survive the outbreak* 

       Dear reader, 

Well done on finding this most important guide to surviving the onslaught of a zombie apocalypse.

Here you will find some practical advice on how to keep your diet brain free (unless dietary requirements state otherwise). 

 We've all seen the news recently. Naked attacks where faces are eaten.

Miami Zombie Outbreak - Stage 1 

Terrifying I think you'll agree. 

But do not fear, for although a Zombie Outbreak may inadvertently wipe out most of your friends and family you can rest assured that there is a glimmer of hope for your survival.

So lets get started. 

How do we retain the look on the left over the look on the right?

Here you will find important steps:

Ok, so your at home enjoying a toasted sandwich, your phone rings. You pick it up and speak the English standard of  telephony linguistics of "Hello?"

You are greeted by the sound of slobbering, growling and in the background some screaming, some sirens. You assume it to be your mother having accidentally called you from her latest movie shoot "Milfy & the Beast". You hangup.

A news flash suddenly interrupts Loose Woman and you are greeted by the gaunt and concerned face of a newsreader. The newsreader conveys the message that an outbreak of a new strain of virus with various numbers and letters in the name is spreading faster than scientists had expected. 

Expect the virus to be scientifically known as something like "YRHJ-11 strain" but made more media friendly and potent sounding such as the "Fury Outbreak" or something similar.

So there you are, you've just watched a new flash that has confirmed your fears that you'd one day witness a zombie apocalypse. What the hell do you do next?

Well, here is a quick check list of what to get packed in a large sports bag (not so large that it's like a body bag though)

Stage One- Preparation: 

Remember, you may confined to your house for an indefinite amount of time.

• Get your doors and windows locked
• Get yourself the large sports bag as mentioned above
• Grab all canned food types from cupboards
• Grab all cereal types and put them into airtight sandwich bags (do not take fresh meats or yogurts)
• Acquire as many bottles of water, use old bottles if needed. (Ensure water supplies are not contaminated)
• Batteries! Get them from every device in your home and put these also in a tight sealing bag 

Note: You may need to barricade your windows and doors, using wardrobes and sofas are perfectly good at this, as are internal doors and bed frames, assuming its wood/metal.

Stage Two -Arming Yourself:

Okay, so you have your food stuffs, you have water. You're locked snugly in your house. So what's next? Well what if you live in what we call the "Red Zone" where the outbreak is at its most prolific or just outside of the "Red Zone", you can't sit tight waiting for your doors and windows to implode and let those zombie bastards dine out on you likes some sort of cannibal buffet can you now.

It's time to get the hardware and in most houses you can find the following instruments for your protection, feel free to use artist creation as you wish, but just remember, a claw hammer is going to be more effective than say a framed picture of Celine Dion.

Here are a few suggestions:

• A hammer
• A large knife (butter knives are no good here)
• A shovel (perfect for distance bludgeoning and beheading
• A baseball bat (soft foam versions will not work as well and may expend much needed energy)
• A garden fork (dining forks are a no no here)
• A length of wood (a good sturdy piece of timber is recommended, again this is a crude implement, feel free to add nails into the killing end)
• A crowbar
• A chainsaw (this is more suited to those that are not weak stomached)

Note: These are close combat weapons and can prove to be a little to close for comfort when attempting to render a zombie void.

Now your fully armed, its time to know your zombie kill spots and points of interest.

Take a look at the following picture and remember these key areas:

The head is the optimum kill area, destroy the head and these human meat chomping mother fuckers will be nothing more than fly food.

Note: Owning a gun is a more efficient and cleaner way of disposing of the undead, methods using home found crude weapons will render your clothes in a state of disrepair. Best not to wear any items that you intend on wearing after the outbreak on a date or to a job interview.

The knee caps are not a kill spot but they do make things highly entertaining. Take the knees out on one of these bad boys and hilarity ensues! It won't make their appetite for your brains recede but it will make if possible to have some much needed amusement as you let them crawl up to you and then walk a good 10 metres behind them, once you are done with this entertainment, drive a well aimed shoved through their skull.

So, really the head is the only spot worth targeting, unless of course the constant slaughter of your zombiefied humans has taken its toll on you and you're getting experimental. 

Top Tip: Why not try attacking the spine, this can have some interesting results.

Stage 3 - Surviving the Nights

Okay, so you've bagged some of your neighbours and even made an unscheduled visit to your old drummers house just because you got a little bit carried away- what is the next step?

Well unless you are fortunately enough to live in either an airship/ your own tropical island/ a fortress/ or the moon- if the virus is as volatile as we fear, then you're eventually going to have to vacate your home and get the hell out of here.

• A good supply of fuel in your vehicle is beneficial
• A reliable car is most important (there is no point taking your nans Ford Cortina)
• Load the car with the supplies as per stage one
• Check oil levels of car
• Check radio works and try locating a channel that can provide updates

So now you need to plan where to go.

Do you go where there are more people/refugees? Nope, an outbreak in a refugee camp would spread like wildfire and you'd be wondering where it all went wrong as your liver is being stripped out and eaten by an old girlfriend.

Think of a place where the zombies won't stroll into, Lets face it, the virus spread quickly through the cities and towns because of the close proximity of human congregation. So a city is out.

The woods? Possibly, it would have to be off the beaten track and a good distance from the nearest town/village/road.You'd have the bonus of being completely off the radar and the chances of someone stumbling across you would be slim. However you have the cost of having to be aware of 360 degrees of attack and plus the woods can be creepy as fuck at time, so choose wisely. On the plus side, woodland creatures and streams could be a good source of food and water. Be mindful of contamination in fresh water supplies.

A beach? Choose a good spot in a remote location, there is no point in setting up a camp on Margate sea front.

A remote beach will give you access to fish stock for food and unless the zombies can mount a beachhead invasion, well you've only got to cover 180 degrees of area. Fresh air and a potential rescue is a bonus but don't trust anyone, they might just be after your water/weapons etc......

A mountain? Quite a good idea, fresh mountain water is a win win situation, but the thin air and the weather could really ruin it for you. Zombies won't be able to catch a whiff of you so you'd be pretty safe, and if they did stumble up your mountain, well you have the upper ground. 

A Supermarket? Hmmm, not the best of idea, the place would no doubt harbour unwanted attention, from undead shopper to hungry folk that will kill to get that last tin of chickpeas from the shelf.

It's a tough call, go with your gut feeling and not on your personal favourite, after all, this is a game of survival and not a Kodak moment. 

Remember, you're looking to survive for as long as possible!

You will have to scavenge and pillage your way to survival, its a tough way to live and you will probably have no choice but to kill or be killed.

A hard choice is whether to keep moving or to stay put. In times of inactivity becomes complacency, this is when you will be at your most vulnerable.

*Following the above may or may not help you in the outbreak.*

We hope this guide helps.....

Be safe, Team Shotgun

Skylines & Shotgun Trails

Skylines & Shotgun Trails

Dear Stupid Fucking Weather,

This just won't do anymore. 

 31 years on this planet and year after year all I look forward to is a summer where I can feel the warmth on my skin and perhaps enjoy my garden without the fear of being washed away in the fucking tsunami of pissing rain that is seemingly relentless.

Sure the water companies have bitched about droughts and issued hosepipe bans, but sweet fucking Lord, soon we will be issued with a shit load of towels and sandbags if this continues.

It's June, I really shouldn't have to be planning my trip to work to include a frantic phone call and subsequent rescue from the fucking coastguard.

Whilst we're at it, Winter, why can't we just have a decent snow period between December and say February where our little island becomes a brief winter wonderland? Hmmm? This slushy, unsledgeable crap you toss at us is no good for anything other than closing down public transport systems, I mean look at the Rusky, those bastards can have a 7ft snow fall and they don't have any issues getting to a Starbucks. 

This is the last year, the last damn year that I will wear my frogman outfit in June, if by May of 2013 I see no inspiring weather, well I'll be getting the fuck out of here, I'm thinking Guam or Mongolia, somewhere where I get either the best or the worst of the weather but at least I will be able to pack my clothes accordingly.

Team Shotgun.

Meet The Band

!Meet The Band!

Welcome, and well done for getting here! I know what a minefield of shit the Internet can be, and no doubt you had multiple unscheduled stops at Porn Junction, Asian Bride Common and Cheap Viagra Park.

I suspect that you're feeling exhausted with it all and at the end of your tiring journey you just want to retire to a comfy seat and watch the college hottie neighbour tanning herself....

Well sit tight friends, put your tissues back in the box and that hand cream back in your girlfriend/wifes/mums handbag before she notices and get ready to be introduced to a group of really nice chaps. 

I think you'll agree that these guys are everything and more than what you'd expect of this hardworking, God fearing, adorable collection of human DNA. 

So lets jump straight in and introduce our first member of the Shotgun Junkies.

Come on down! 

 

Henchman Smith

Henchman Smith. The elusive and retiring bassist/guitarist.

He originates from Planet Thanet and is educated to a secondary school standard, which is quite remarkable as he had further education at college and managed to pick up an A Level in music.

Age: Twenty something

Favourite Film: I Spit On Your Grave

Favourite Scent: Cut Grass & Red Diesel

Favourite Holiday Destination: Ascension Island

Last Expensive Purchase: A Soda Stream

Character Most Similar To:  Vlad the Impaler

So what is the real Henchman Smith like?

 He is just like you, except he hates other humans and has zero tolerance towards butterflies and will wear smart shoes with any outfit. 

There's nothing wrong with smart shoes?

Is that a statement or a question?

A question?

Well no you're right, there is nothing wrong with smart shoes, but you asked what he was like and I was merely pointing out that he is known for his smart shoes.

Oh I see, does he have an important job then?

Very important, he makes sure that the dishes are clean in a pub.

So he is the first line of defence against bacteria?

That's right, in fact most shifts he wears a suit similar to the Ghostbusters, however he doesn't use a proton pack like they do in the film, he uses a 12 gauge shotgun.

Isn't that dangerous?

Only if you're a bacteria. Or if you insist on looking him in the eyes. Or if you wear a roll neck jumper. Or he happens to be having one of those days where unloading deer slugs at a cowering work colleague seems the right thing to do. 

He sounds kind of crazy doesn't he?

Not at all. For one thing, a crazy person can't car surf their own car at 70mph through a pedestrian area. That's the work of someone that is fully focus. A crazy person would fall right off.

No that's crazy?

I beg to differ. He can recognise the payload being dropped onto middle eastern villages just by the sound of the explosion.

Wow, that's....kind of impressive. 

I agree, in fact he is experimenting at home with his own brand of warheads.

Hold up, did you you just say he is making his own warheads?

I don't think I said that.

No you did, you most certainly did!

Look, if he catches wind of you blurting that out then you can expect to find yourself gaffer taped to the front end of a Rover 75 and used as a fleshy battering-ram against an Oddbins window.

Sweet Lord, shouldn't we inform the police?

He is a patriot. He is a lone warrior, and the last person that mentioned the police woke up hog tied in a ditch after a brutal and impromptu horse assault.

Horse assault?

You ever seen a fire extinguisher smashed into a polo?

*The sound of vomiting is heard*

 Cheeseman, a bassist/drummer and recently a father. 

Yes, the man that was once dubbed as "The Letterbox Pisser" on Crime Watch has finally joined the ranks of the rest of the humans around him

Age: Twenty eight???

Favourite Film: Debbie Does Dallas

Favourite Scent:Fear

Favourite Holiday Destination:Chernobyl

Last Expensive Purchase:Industrial Size Box of Nappies

Character Most Similar To: R2D2

So tell, is Cheese really as happy as he looks in every picture?

I can confirm this to be true, although you may see it as happy, the rest of band see it as "confused". It's like a reflex mechanism, you ask him to play say a "G" on the bass, and he will offer you the smile as he will not understand the instruction. It makes him appear genuinely nice, but in actual fact it has caused the equivalent of many a bar room brawl in the studio.

Are you suggesting he doesn't know how to play the bass?

Not at all, in fact as bass players go, he is probably the most solid bassist around.

But you just said......

Shut up. Next question.

What does Cheese do for fun when he isn't with the band?

I can tell you now that Cheese is a total cu....fun guy. Most nights he can be found chasing the moths in his house in the hope of catching them and sedating them with dry ice, then he will paint military markings on their little wings and re-enact famous dog fights.

That's interesting, is he a war buff?

No he just likes to make the plane noise as they feverishly try and escape. 

You've witnesses this?

Yes, just the other day a moth with Swastikas on its wings flew around the room in a panic as he fired off a Glock 9mm at it. 

That's not a dog fight. How did it end?

It was a dog fight, but the moth with the British RAF markings stupidly skull fucked itself on the light bulb so Cheese played the role of anti-aircraft battery.

Doesn't he live in a flat with people above him and to the side?

Yep, but they just refer to their bullet wounds as "Cheesy boo boos"

Cheesy boo boos?

That's correct. Its because of that fucking smile.

Oh so he defuses the situation by smiling?

No he just aims the Glock at their face and smiles, most people then just become curtain twitchers as oppose to witnesses in a crown court, its a harsh lesson that most neighbours of his will learn.

But nice guy all-round?

Cracking bloke. He also delivers Chinese food.

That's quite a revelation, does he take it seriously?

The body count and endless speed camera tickets would suggest he does. 

What nights does he do it?

Depends on the demand, all I will say is if you hear helicopters and sirens, don't leave your house and make sure you've locked the dog in.

 Dan Kamikaze, the enigma. The driving force behind so many band break-ups.

A movie buff, a potential superhero, an artist in every sense of the word. Loved by some, hated by most. He's chiseled  good looks have attracted the attention of the worlds media and blood diamond miners.

Age: Thirty one

Favourite Film: Sisterhood

Favourite Scent:Aviation Fuel, New Tennis Ball

Favourite Holiday Destination: Downtown Baghdad

Last Expensive Purchase:A Bronze Statue of Megan Fox with drilled out fun holes

Character Most Similar To: Glenn Quagmire

So, tell me, Dan sees himself as the artists-artist.What does that mean exactly?

Dan believes that he could fling shit up a wall and sell it. He has also attempted this.

That's a brash statement isn't it?

It is, but it's more a way of making himself feel better with his failures.

What failures?

A certain failure in the shape of a human slug.

Oh you mean.......

Shhh....we don't mention that thing anymore.

Wow, I never knew that.  So how does he still find the motivation to do this?

He doesn't. He likes the idea of being a successful musician. These days he is driven by his hatred towards the music scene in the UK

That's a strange reason to continue right?

Indeed, I wouldn't be surprised if he pulled out a Magnum at a gig and started taking shots at anyone on the crowd.

He made the statement, and I quote "With a face like mine the clunge comes leaping at me like a face hugger from the film Aliens"- that seems both crude and bold wouldn't you say?

Not at all, at one gig some old bint flung her bloomers at him and asked him to sign her colostomy bag.

That doesn't paint the same kind of image as the statement he made about clunge leaping at him does it?

Well no, but you have to understand that he has to respect the privacy of those top shelf birds that want him so badly.

Is that a fib?

........no...next question please. And someone get me a glass of water.

Ok, Is it true that he can juggle?

........What?

Sorry, wrong interview sheet. Ok, so what is Dan's plan with the Shotgun Junkies?

I think the goal is to actually do something positive.

Isn't that the goal of every band?

I guess so....

So that was a stupid answer really wasn't it?

I'm sorry. Hold on, fuck you!

Moving on, when can we expect to see the band live in action?

Well, Angie has recently married and is going back to Russia where she will become the housewife of a bear wrestler. So a slight readjustment is happening in which Cheese will take up the position of the drums, Hen will go back to the bass and Dan will do what ever he does.

Wait, why am I only finding this out now? If I knew that I would have asked different questions, can we start again?

Nope.

They're right, you are a git

This interview is over.

*The sound of scuffling and violence is heard*

So there you have folks. You now know that little bit more than before about Team Shotgun and the Junkies. 

We hope you feel closer to the boys than you did prior to reading this blog. And remember, they may have the tendencies to throat punch strangers that ask questions but don't be shy to ask them (from a safe distance) when and where they are playing next.

Look out for next weeks blog entitled "Things That Go Funk In The Night" an article by Cheese that explains he's passion for dancing to 70's disco in the middle of the night.

I'm Jessie Pilchard, and this has been an exclusive interview with the Shotgun Junkies.